Working For A Living, Part 2
I’ve been thinking about what I wrote in Working For A Living all day. It all started because I need more money to live on. My rent is almost my entire monthly check, then there’s electricity, cell phone, internet connection, van insurance, food, gas, pet food and meds, tithing, haircuts, etc… $573/month is impossible to live on. That’s why I was homeless so long. If I didn’t have money to drive or to camp or whatever, I found a parking lot or a field to stay in until I had more money to spend. It’s not that easy as an apartment dweller.
I was talking to a couple of brothers from church about me being in limbo financially. I have money owed to me, but no money now. If it wasn’t for my church, I’d still be homeless. The problem is this being in the middle between nothing and something. One brother suggested I get a job. I’m sure it was innocent enough, but that got me thinking about just how unsuitable I am as a worker of any sort. That depresses the heck out of me.
I LOVED being self-employed. Those were some of the best years of my life. I worked very hard when I could, and not at all when I couldn’t. That’s why I wrote part 1. I loved being a chef and I really, really loved my farm and homestead. I feel guilty and ashamed at not working. It has been a many year, long, tough struggle to deal with the issues of self esteem and self worth as a disabled person. When I have to admit my limitations, I feel BAD.
A few months ago a brother asked me to translate census forms from the 1800’s to the computer. I thought that was going to be fun until I tried. I have never been able to read cursive very well. All my life I handed cursive letters to my friends and family to read to me. Others suggested I do the online tutorials about deciphering, which I did. At some point I realized the REAL reason cursive has been difficult my whole life! THAT made me realize why I cannot read emails written in all caps! An aha moment. It’s because I have “regular” writing memorized. I see it double, but my brain can decipher it. Any other kind of style and it’s a struggle. That should not embarrass me, it’s just a fact of my life, but it does, because it feels like saying “I can’t” will be interpreted as “I won’t”.
Many of my problems are because I am not like Kasia who wrote the matter-of-fact email about what it’s like to have MG and how she uses fans. She doesn’t feel guilty. She understands what is going on with her and states it without embarrassment. I need to be more like her and quit feeling so guilty about EVERYTHING. I justify my feelings and circumstances to people constantly…as if I am not allowed to be who I am. I try way too hard to please everyone but me. I hate making other people mad or offended. I wish I could stop being so darn accommodating to others and do better at taking care of myself. For one thing, they won’t know what my challenges are unless I tell them. I try to be super woman so much that folks have no clue what it’s like to be me. I’m way better at writing than speaking.
Pondering this stuff all day has given me a lot of insight…
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WOW..don’t know if this means anything or not… you can work through it and sift..but a few days back I read an article( actually a series of several articles) on a site at http://www.moneysavingmom.com The series was how to write and publish an e-book . YOU were the first person that popped into my head… I mean you have so much knowledge on gardening, self sufficiency etc ..I just thought if you could put the info in a set of ebooks that you could send to folks in pdf or word format for a price… I don’t know… 5.00 for one..or 3.00 for a booklet or something… then you wouldn’t even have to pay postage! ..Just something that I thought of a few days ago…and since you wrote this post I thought I’d bring it up…
..Hope yu feel better soon
Lea
Even though it feels like nagging, I’ll put in a reminder here about our communication several months ago in which I talked about a 12-step program. I won’t repeat it here without being asked but I still think that’s the best way to deal with our mutual background.
You think I should go to Al-Anon? Am I saying and doing “typical” things? If so, that’s really interesting! I know I am still screwed up from my past. If you can see stuff about me I can’t, feel free to tell me more. I need a kick in the butt. wsm311@aol.com
How about this? A cell phone and internet connection are not necessities. You can get a home phone for real cheap on the lifeline program and aol actually has a very fast dial up now.
You can get a friend to keep your hair trimmed.
Call up social services– they will send someone out to help you shop for groceries and keep your apt clean.
It’s a free service in Florida, my mom lives there and she has a disability that is not anywhere near as severe as yours and she has this service.
You would also qualify for Meals On Wheels. they will deliver a home cooked meal once a day during week days at no charge to you.
That way you can do without the van and insurance and gas fee. My mom just gets a monthly bus pass or there is a van for disabled people that you can call to pick you up and take you places. It’s free also.
Also, there are jobs online where you answer customers email at your leisure. You can work as many or as few hours as you wish. Here is the website
http://akhost.chacha.com/resources/recruiting/microsite/becomeaguide.htm
God Bless
Rita
Have you ever heard about making a web site on Google?
I heard about it on the news. You make a web site and if they like it they put ads on it and every time someone clicks on one of the ads you make money. I don’t know if you are interested or not, but it might be worth checking into.
good luck,
Deborah
You might want to try to find a CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meeting. They work the 12 steps. Going on what you’ve written, it sounds like you might benefit.
Go to http://www.codependents.org/foundation-docs-patterns.php to see if any of those characteristics apply to you. (Sorry, I’m not sure how to insert a hyperlink)
I’ve been reading your online journal for 4 years. From AOL journals to your new journal now. You’ve shared so much of your life and I know you have alot of physical ailments. I also know you push it during the the “good days”. You feel good and you’re out and about living life to the fullest, even if you pay for it the next day or a few days down the road. I know that if you could you’d have a job in a flash, but your body won’t let you. Your purpose and self-worth are not defined by a daily grind type of job. Every person that you have crossed paths with, you have touched their lives in some way. With all that you go thru personally, you still have an amazing heart. Although that doesn’t give you a paycheck at the end of the week, I still see you as blessed.
Take it from someone who has read every one of your journal entries for the past 4 years. You’re an inspiration. I’m with the ones that say “write a book!”. I’m all for you putting a cookbook together too! You’re an inspiration and if you shared your story, you’d have people devouring it word by word.
Hi Wendy!
Even if you cannot work full time, you may still be able to do SOMETHING. That may be just enough to make life a little better. Every cent you make doing something means one less cent you need to beg, borrow, or get in welfare (even the Church type!).
Do I make sense?